a cheap little Euro-Style (almost Hostel like) located at 51st and 2nd ave in NYC. One night there made me think that every space right now feels small and confining, especially here in Nashville, it not so much the physical space as it is the mental space that this place occupies. It's fucking cold here right now, a cold I'm not used to at all and hope never to get used to X-Mas is West Hollywood is a god-send, a perfect escape from the chill and the relative boredom I feel in Nashville, not to mention it will be less confining and more expansive....fuck I might even get some real work done while i'm there. I am actually looking forward to a fun / cool / and creative rest of the month and into the new year, shit! I'll have to wear the eye-patch in California...I guess its fitting somehow...
First a bit of history, two summers ago whilst on a walk early one Sunday evening I was jumped and beaten by a group young men, they hit the right side of my face with some sort of board which blinded my right eye (temporarily) for the next few months. During the first month my eye was subjected to weekly tests in order to see if the vision would return, I was forced to wear an eye patch completely isolating my eyes from one another. My right eye (much like my hand) is my dominant eye, losing it meant no photography for a while until the eye was at least partially healing (short vision came back before the long vision), negotiating driving and walking while seeing half of what I was used to. Had it no been so traumatizing at the time it would have been an interesting experiment in seeing / perception / balance / and mental and physical "dominance”.
So that’s why I decided to repeat the blindness for a few short days and just make some observations with the clarity and the curiosity I wish I would have had back when the original event had occurred. This year I’ve decided to only to see ½ of Christmas. I’ll be wearing the very same patch over my right eye from Dec 22nd – Dec 25th. Observations will start on the eve of the 22nd. It’s also perhaps in some way a mental cleansing through choosing to “blind” that eye for a time rather than having it violently forced upon me.
While I was driving home this eve I caught myself staring at the roof of this huge building off in the distance. The way the sun was setting and reflecting off the roof made it a perfect gray blue, it was as if there was this huge body of water in front of me. It reminded me of the view of the San Francisco Bay from Treasure Island, looking east towards Berkeley. It also reminded of a conversation I had with a lovely friend while walking the Embarcadaro one evening not so long ago. We talked of how being near the water felt so expansive and yet so humbling, how it made you feel so very tiny and yet at the same time completely open and limitless. There is something very special about the water and being near it.
I'm just sitting and thinking how interesting it is how things live off of as well as inside of other things. It’s completely organic and natural and yet both beneficial and caustic. Physically, mentally, and emotionally we all experience this reality though perhaps we don’t really give it much thought or concern until some sort of “upheaval” or situation of turmoil or threat takes place. Some require our attention while others we can remain oblivious to or try to distract ourselves from. I guess it’s either the cure or the distraction that keeps us going and moving forward. I wonder if trees can distract themselves.
while this was a challenging and entertaining project the results were less than spectacular or profound. I think perhaps the true test would come in both drinking and eating things that are blue in color only to get a true physical result. Perhaps in the coming months I will try this variation for a couple weeks and compare results. Until then onward to the next task which I hav yet to determine. A few things I'm thinking about and will post as they begin.
There’s a billion stars you’ll never see
a whirlwind of false characters
and weird memories
like putting limits on the already limited
or placing a “brand name” on your personal space
it’s a pretty damn disgusting landscape that finds me here
pretending to connect
to some pathetic ghost
with this fucked up logic
any mark that means something
is self inflicted
deflected star-light as old as those unspoken “truths”
collapsing everything in some fabricated past
every bit as lame as those shows we live on
an un-meant smile
a brush-by touch
and a wide-eyed glance
keep me in this damn city.
Is every bit as important as "love" mail. YET somehow it's way crazier and sometimes much cooler to read and think about. I received this letter via email yesterday, while I may disagree with some of his observations and the use of certain "buzz words" in his own reality he is indeed correct. So after a few reads I must plead GUILTY AS CHARGED (except for his photoshop observations for I don't use it to create the photos) = ).
"Dear Mr. Collin J. Rae "Photographer",
What you do is abhor able. I recently stumbled across your page
while studying some photographer looking for someone for a shoot,
Thanks, I found who I was looking for, but seeing your work is
what pointed me in the correct direction. I looked for the most
polar opposite of what you do. Your concept lacks the demeanor of
a real artist and is yet that of an amateur porn maker in his
prepubescence. I know I know, as an artist you are thinking
"Where does this guy get off saying my art is not art," but here's
the spiff, I am an artist too, a true artist. And when looking
through the eye of a true artist at your shit, it's almost
blinding. You should perhaps crack down on your photoshopping
skills, and maybe revise the angle of your "perversion" as a
whole. I of course could not shed light on this for you, as an
artist your desire must be to grow, and no one could help with as
far skewed as you have become. Just quit. thanks.
I was engaged in a conversion about "reality" and perceived "reality" with a friend the other day (a conversation which I hope will continue in the future) and it got me to thinking about current realities, past realities, and how perceived reality can be tweaked, changed, or even become anti or un reality. For is not true (maybe it's not but then again maybe it must be) that for "reality" to truly exist absence of reality must also exist, but then by existing does that not make it simply a different reality all together?
Three Stages of reality:
1. That which is: Life / Death / Earth / Water / Gravity / Sky / Sun / Moon / Space / climate and how we operate within the "rules" of this reality or find different ways to adapt to those "rules". These realities can it seems be changed slowly and for the long term through human ignorance and lack of action mainly but it does not alter the facts of the realities it merely changes the complexion of them.
2. Man made reality, social, political, religious, moral, cultural (sub-cultural) etc. This is the reality that morphs and changes as time, climate can also be included in this for we do slowly effect change through our actions and lack of actions, technology, economics, and social / political climates change and progress or digress. If we look at history as far back as you'd like we can see how "reality" has been changed and altered due to all of these factors.
3. The personal / internal reality. Individual perception of the first two realities. Each one of us must have a different / unique perception based upon our own internal and external experiences coupled with our individual illusions, delusions, and / or psychosis.
So my concern and question is can the second reality be altered or changed within the perception of one or many by a single moment / performance or activity that alters the accepted and expected path or outcome of that particular moment / performance / activity that is being played out within the normal everyday activity of this given and accepted mass reality. I have a few ideas on how to play with expected realities and outcomes to see if I can alter the moment and reality if even for a split second and even if it only effects one or a few.
I could be completely full of BS but hey it's my reality is it not?
...before we go to sleep, when we wake up from a horrid dream. The lies we tell ourselves when we get up to shower to get us through another day, another week, another year. The lies we tell ourselves to get us through days of family, of friends, and when surrounded by strangers. The lies we tell ourselves in order to move forward, or backward, or sideways...or down. The lies we tell ourselves to go from one place to another place or no place at all, that get us to heaven or hell or some other purgatorian oblivion. The lies we tell ourselves to get through another holiday, another gathering, a dramatic or anti-climactic episode. The lies we tell ourselves in order to stay young...or grow old, to live or not. The lies we tell ourselves to feel severe or erratic, calm or spastic, to feel whole, empty, full, or splintered. The lies we tell ourselves in order to see and perceive, ignore or remain in ignorance. The lies we tell ourselves to feel loved or loathed, to feel adored or exiled, together or completely separate and alienated. -I'll never lie to you.
Pleasant enough indeed. Good foods, just my parents and I (for the first time ever), and a lot of good conversation. I have to say after all these years they really seem to "get me" and trust my judgment and vision for myself and my future plans. A pretty amazing revelation actually. A few long walks with my pop who has indeed become a good friend (and with our history this is no minor feat), some shopping with mom (somehow no matter how old I get and how much I experience she still insists on buying me clothing and other things she feels I may need), it's a trip I'm really pleased I made for someday this will all be shadow.
Went to the park today...the park that a very special friend and I would go to on lunch breaks, we'd walk...or sit...talk about everything or nothing at all. I miss that. I still go most everyday in order to feel connected and "human" as well as to escape "the complex".
Slices of today...that will still be there tomorrow...and next Monday...and a thousand Mondays that follow...there is no comfort in these facts...ummm cept for maybe the Koala, the paper clip, and the beer = )
Went to Flying Saucer for a beer last night, I ordered the lightest colored beer I could find and proceeded to color it the most brilliant shade of deep blue, people could not figure out what the fuck I was drinking. Once again just by the color it took on a strange taste in my mind. On my arrival home I found that after only one day of this I am already noticing a profound difference in the coloring of certain "waste products", was actually a pleasantly shocking surprise. I mean the shit is Aqua! No photos yet but soooooon.
So something kind of unexpected, while blue colored water tastes no different than regular water (cuz that's all it is) mentally I'm having a difficult time drinking full glasses of it....I seem to imagine some strange taste difference that simply does not exist. I'm sure this will change in the coming days.
Tomorrow will start the "blue" project. All blue drinks for the next two weeks. I will document what affect this has on my internal and external environments. Stay tuned for words and pictures updating this experiment.
And what was achieved / learned / discovered from all of this? Well maybe some little things...random thoughts about the lack of sensation, the warmth, the numbness of a very important receptacle for sensation. Some of the simple things that became difficult at times were: showering, cooking, hanging pictures, typing, shopping, etc. I must say though at night it was a very different beast all together than during the day, there was a comfort level that existed in the evening that was subtle yet very present. The lack of balance that existed between the right and the left, the difference in temperature and weight. When I did remove it finally there was a period of about 3 minutes where I swear I still had it on. The object will soon be mounted and ready to present in my own personal museum. (photos to come of course).
also stay tuned for Tuesday Nov. 13th I will begin my next project. For the ten days that follow I will drink only liquids that are blue in color. The point is to see what affect this will have on my internal enviroment...any physical (and mental) changes will be documented and posted, as well as photos of the varieties of drinks I can find.
Pictured in the performance "How to explain paintings to a dead hare". In between my own pieces I'll be posting influential works and words by others (well others who have had some impact on my own way of seeing and thinking). I also hope to document what I would call accidental performances by random people both friends and strangers. Stay tuned.
Tomorrow at 8 AM I will begin my first project. This will involve weraing a glove on my left hand for the next three days thus depriving that hand of any tactile experiences (except that of the inside of the glove of course) for that period of time. A simple excercise in creating a barrior so as to inhibit or at least dull the senses involved in certain physical contact. Photos will follow.
MONDAY, OCT. 5th.
The is the last full day of this particular (and tiny) event. The Next piece will begin one week from today...stay tuned...there will of course be updates, photos, and thoughts in between.
...to this my new space for random thoughts, performances, photographs, and anything else I may wish to show and share. I will be creating a series of personal artifacts / objects through these performances and observations. I do hope to keep these posts short, sweet, and ever-moving (that's my intent anyway).